


Help me, i'm falling

by Mayly5000



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-16 17:47:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9283154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mayly5000/pseuds/Mayly5000
Summary: He went for a quick spin around the block, but ended up driving to a forest. Now Leo is faced with emotions he never wanted to acknowledge. alone in a forest, or is he? This is a Leo/Raph story. Finished for now, but might get a Bonus later on!





	1. The forest

I always loved the sun, the forest, the rain… Well, just about anything that had something to do with nature. 

A bird flew past the window as it raced into the trees to keep up with the others and find shelter before the rain could get even worse, but … It still looked so free, so happy… so alive… 

I had taken the battle shell for a quick spin earlier, we hadn’t driven it much the last couple of weeks and I just wanted to make sure there were no problems with it just in case we would need it. 

I’d driven the thing a few blocks when it started raining, but for some reason I didn’t feel like going back and kept on driving, just letting the rain tell me where to go, but I hadn’t even really realised where it was taking me. It felt like I’d been driving for no more than an hour, but now I realised it had been much longer...Though I didn’t feel the need to check my shell cell to know exactly how long, so I just left it at that. It probably wasn’t that important. 

The rain, for some reason, had led me here, to the forest… I don’t exactly know which one, but I’m pretty sure it was the one near the farmhouse, it’s the only forest I’ve been to. 

I loved being there, the forest gave me a sense of peace, something I never truly got. My brothers would be out exploring or just goofing around and I wouldn’t have to look after them for a few hours, not that they would’ve wanted that anyway… They never do, told me I was suffocating them once and I can’t say it’s completely untrue. I fear their safety almost every day. 

I stepped out of the battle shell, into the rain and onto the hard asphalt. Taking a few steps forward until I reached the grass, I felt a sense of relief sweep over me as the soft, wet grass dipped under the weight of my body. It was cold, but I still welcomed the softness against my bare feet. 

Looking out into the forest I could see all the beautiful flowers shining brightly, even through the relentless rain. Their vibrant colors brought a sense of serenity and peace, it was so much different than the dark and gloomy sewers. Though Mikey had tried to cover the whole sewer in Christmas lights once, it hadn’t worked of course, but it was a nice try. 

Leaning the palm of my hand against the tree besides me, I revelled in the beauty of it. Watched as the leaves danced around while the rain fell onto them and I resisted the urge to jump up into the protection of the tree, to let myself be shielded from the rain. Instead, I looked back towards the battle shell, a thought of my brothers and father swept over me. 

I smiled as I remembered the happy times I’ve had with them, of everything we shared together. We’ve had some amazing times together and always managed to push through whatever obstacle came on our path, coming out the other side much stronger than before.

But I wasn’t able to keep those thoughts for long as other memories resurfaced and all I could think about were the bad ones, ones that so easily overshadowed the happy memories. Sadness had always been stronger than happiness. Sadness wounds you and no matter how much you try to forget about them, they will always leave a scar one way or another. 

My nails scratched against the tree trunk in vain and I growled at the voices echoing in my head, never leaving me alone. An endless string of complaining, wining, cursing and nagging. 

‘Oh come on Splinter junior, get yer own life.’ ‘What did I tell you about touching the toaster?!’  
‘Well sorry Leo, we can’t all be MR. Perfect!’  
‘Lead the way, Oh fearless leader.’ ‘Come on Leo, just this once?’  
‘You’re such a teacher’s pet Leo, ease up a little will ya?!’  
‘Oh Leo you are so useless when it comes to electronics.’  
‘But I don’t wanna practice~’ ‘Aaaawww Leo, such a kill joy!’  
‘You’re a pain in the ass Leo, that’s what ya are!’  
‘Leo~, you seriously suck at this.’ ‘Don’t be such a spoil sport’  
‘Don’t tell me you broke it again?!’ ‘Just fuck off Leo! I can take care of myself!’

It seemed like no matter what I did, I would never be good enough. Whenever I’d admit my fears, they’d always find a way to rub it in, or use it against me every chance they’d get. Never to let me forget or overcome them, just another jab at my own insecurities.

If I show them how strong I’ve gotten in practice, they’d call me names, tell me I’m too good for them, that I’m perfect. Pulling and picking at my every flaw, showing me just how imperfect I truly am. 

Even if I show noting but a mask, they still seem to get irritated, calling me a robot… an emotionless program…

I hardly have free time anymore and when I do I always end up fighting with Raphael, watching Don fix and whine about some device I’ve managed to break, playing a game with Mike that I can’t seem to get the hang on, or watching my brothers smile and laugh with each other. It always make me feel so left out…

Splinter always has me training or meditating, helping me better my skills as a leader. I had wanted to become the leader to help my brothers, but it seems like I am slowly losing myself by helping them, because it never seems to be enough. Giving more and more of myself to them, never getting anything in return.

I’ve forgotten how to be selfish too, never doing anything I really wanted to do. Instead, my world revolves around them, my brothers who don’t really want me there.

Whenever master is away or in his room, it’s up to me to keep my brothers in line and to keep them from killing each other whenever things get out of hand. Not that they will listen, unless I make myself clear.

The rare occasions that I do managed to gain some free time, I always seem to get interrupted one way or another as Don comes to ask me for some assistance or Mike needs to hide from Raph after some prank he’d pulled. Even Raph drags me out of my trance to use me as a punching bag so he can wind down, muttering nonsense I can’t even understand.

I’d do anything for them too, drop whatever I’m doing just to help them whenever they need me, I’d throw myself before a bullet for them. But it never seems to be appreciated, they never really thanked me either… They just complain afterwards. 

I looked back to the forest, watching the colourful scene before me and I couldn’t help thinking that I’d need a serious break. Let myself wind down, maybe even refind myself before I lose it completely, but…

I looked back towards the Battle shell again, my family needed me, whether they wanted it or not and I couldn’t just abandon them…

Then… why do I feel like I’m falling? Like I’m flying through the air without wings? 

Turning back to the forest I walked forward and kept on going until I came across a rather large clearing. 

A beautiful, large tree stood in the centre, its long strong branches stretched out far, keeping the ground and the flowers underneath easily shielded from the rain. This tree was no doubt very old, but it still managed to looks so incredibly strong, so unbreakable. 

I looked up at the sky as the rain fell down the sides of my face, I let all my insecurities out as a few tears fell from the sides of my cheeks, blending in with the rain and falling to the ground together. 

It seemed to be taking all my pain with it and I couldn’t help but smile as I stood there for a minute. I was never one to cry, but the feeling of letting everything out felt good, just what I had needed. And what better way to do that while the rain removes all the proof of it happening?

I smiled up at the sky and was about to walk towards the tree, until the sound of my shell cell going off nearly made me jump out of my own shell and I froze in shock. Was that my phone? Who would be calling me? Oh god! Please don’t let it be an emergency! I’ll never make it back in time!

Quickly pulling the device from my belt so I could check it and I stared at it in relief and amazement. It wasn’t flashing red, which was a good sign. That meant no one was in trouble, but the bleeping means someone is trying to reach me. 

Why was Don calling me? Wasn’t he supposed to be working on some project of his? I thought he was working on some kind of electric bug… Hah, Raph is going to love that. 

The ringing stopped before I had the thought or chance to answer it, no doubt having gone to voicemail, but the thing still beeped as it received a message. 

Frowning, I tapped a few buttons and found that I had more than just one message, as well as multiple missed calls and voice mails. I could only stare at it, completely confused. I don’t remember ever getting this many notifications… Hell! I don’t even remember it going off tonight!! How did I not hear it? It’s as loud as Raph’s snoring! 

I quickly checked the time before shock ran over me as I realised I had been driving around in the rain for 8 hours! I knew I was out for more than an hour, but how did I manage that?! It was late when I left the lair, I can’t believe it has been raining for so long! How was I supposed to know it had gotten this early?! No wonder they’ve been calling and messaging me nonstop! 

I pressed the button to open my messages so I could go through tFhem and see where all the messages were coming from. 

-Leo! Dude I thought you said you were taking the battle shell for a quick spin around the block? It’s been an hour man. - **-Weren’t you going to join sensei in his mediation?-  
 ******-Pick up yer phone dude! - **-Hey Leo, it’s starting to rain please be careful!-  
********-Where are you? Did something happen?-  
 ******-Are you alright Leo? It’s been 2 hours, we’re starting to worry-  
-Leo?-  
**-Leo it’s almost time for the humans to start waking up, the battle shell will attract too much attention- ****-come on Leo please pick up your shell cell-  
-Leo where are you?! Please come back bro!- **

Wow… That actually surprised me… Even after just one hour Don and Mike had already started to worry. Was me leaving for just one hour such a red flag? 

I’ve been gone for 8 hours? It’s not that long, Raph would sometimes be gone for a whole day, taking shelter at Casey’s without notifying us. So why are there so many messages on my phone? And why are they acting as if I’m missing? I never even thought they would care this much. 

This is so confusing!!

… 

Oooooh, I think I understand now…

I snapped about three months ago. I just can’t seem to remember what caused it… wait! I think I do…

I had been training with Master splinter since I had gotten up that morning, way before practice with my brothers and the second I got out of the dojo after our family training, Don had dragged me off because he needed help in the lab, then right after that Mikey had begged me to help him in his newest game when Don and Raph both declined. That had lasted until Dinner and before I had time to do anything for myself; read a book, meditate, etc.; Raph came up and made me spar with him since he couldn’t seem to wind down. 

So throughout the day, I’ve had Master splinter comment on my form and skills, Donnie irritated when I couldn’t seem to keep up with his explanations and ramblings, Mike complaining on how my game skills had gotten worse somehow and then Raph just had to constantly curse and bicker at me. It was when he started calling me names again that I snapped.

I had kicked him so hard he literally flew across the room and against the wall, leaving a nice shell sized dent. Unfortunately he stood back up seriously pissed and ran straight at me for revenge.

Normally I would have just stepped aside and let him tire himself out, but not that day, well not completely. 

I had stepped aside, but this time I had grabbed the tails of his mask, pulled them back the way he came with one hand and slammed the other straight into his chest. He had fallen to the floor, breath knocked out of him and just started at me in shock. 

The others had ran into the dojo to see what was going on and started to demand an explanation after seeing my brother gasping and cradling his stomach on the dojo floor… 

What did I say again? Oh! That’s right:

“Enough!! All of you! I go out of my way, every fucking day to help all three of you out. And what do I get in return?! Curses, complaints and wining. If you all can’t appreciate what I do then find someone else to help you out, cuz I’m done! Yes, Donnie. I’m not as god damn smart as you, so how am I supposed to know what the hell you’re talking about if you don’t explain properly?! No, Mikey. I am not a game addict like you and I never play those stupid games on my own, so sorry if I don’t know how the fucking buttons work!”

I remember taking a very deep breath here and pulled Raph up from the floor, flung him onto his press bench and made sure he was paying attention, before I could continue.

“And you, Raph. have you ever seen what kind of training I go through every single fucking day so I can improve my stupid skills and lead you all accordingly in battle?! There are a lot of sacrifices I have to make as a leader for this damn team! I can’t even remember the last time I had been able to properly meditate or do anything without getting interrupted or dragged off. I try to help you guys as much as I can, but…”

I can still see their perplexed expressions so clearly. They had been so shell shocked at my little breakdown that I hadn’t been able to continue my little tirade. I never snapped, much less curse at them! So yeah that might have been a little shocking…

“You know what? Never mind, I’m going to my room.” 

I had walked off and locked myself up until it had been time for our evening patrol. I was really going to stop helping them all together, but after they all started begging me to help them I couldn’t help but fall back into it all. 

It does explain why they’re panicking right now… Do they think I won’t be coming back? They should know I won’t stay here. Besides, it’s not like I could, no matter how tempting it gets. They always push me away and we fight every now and then, but I’ll never be able to hate them. We have spent a lot of good times together, so hating them never even crossed my mind… I might be mad at them every now and then, but that passes.

I finally stepped underneath the tree, hoping I wouldn’t end up getting sick from the rain and rested my shell against the tree to slide myself down to the floor, glancing around the area. There were a lot of different plants and flowers around here, as well as a lot of birds and bugs from what I could see.

It was then that I noticed the low branch on my right, full of half eaten leaves and on closer inspection I managed to find a small cocoon. The little bundle swung lightly as the wind pulled at it, but it stood its ground, peacefully holding onto the branch like a lifeline.

Before you know it this strange looking cocoon will release a beautiful butterfly, it always amazed me how caterpillars could change into something so different, so unique. Not only did they change colors, but they also gained wings to explore the world from more than the tree they had been born in. 

A though struck me, a realisation I hadn’t noticed before came rushing back to me.

Change.

That was right.

Things have been changing.

A lot, in fact… just slowly… I hardly even noticed it until now, but…

Michelangelo seemed to be dragging me off to the kitchen every now and then, teaching me how to cook simple things like pancakes without burning them or how to not break any of the appliances, he even seemed to play some low ranking level of his multiplayer games so he can explain how and what to do before starting a more difficult level.

Donatello had been explaining how to fix the devices I broke as well as how I’d manage to break them instead of complaining. It seemed that I had been helping him around the lab more often too and it shocked me how the information seemed to stick and making sense of Donnie’s rambling came more easily. 

And Raphael? Well he seemed to have turned over a new leaf. I always had a rough time dealing with him and I still do, but we started understanding each other a lot more lately. He seemed to be trying to improve his temper too, waiting and asking permission before going topside as well as discussing our disagreements instead of fighting about it. Giving us both a chance to explain and solve our arguments. And the name-calling? Can’t say it stopped, but it has become more of a teasing thing than anything. He still calls me fearless too, though it’s more of a positive nickname now.

I laughed quietly and couldn’t help but think I should have snapped at them earlier. I seemed to have more time for myself too, well not very much, but whenever I’m meditating or reading a book they seem to try and leave me be. Though there are times where they ask whether I’d like to help them instead of just dragging me off without giving me a choice and I’m very grateful for that. 

Raphael and I have been spending more time together too, running around the sewers or just watching something on TV. Needless to say, it was a lot of fun, but it made me realise a lot of other things too. Things I should not be noticing. Like his sent, it smells so musky and so inviting. Don’t even get me started on his eyes, those beautiful amber eyes, I swear I’d get lost in them if I stare too long. And his muscles! They’re so… 

What am I thinking?! Does this mean I’ve started to like him?! As more than a brother?! How did he manage that?! And in less than three months no less! This can’t be good…

Oh who am I kidding? I’d say I’m in love with him after everything that has been going through my mind lately.

That reminds me… Don and Mike have tried to get a hold of me, but Raph hasn’t. Does that mean he doesn’t care? Or maybe he hasn’t noticed, he could be at Casey’s… 

I sighed and pulled myself up from the tree and placed my palm against the rough bark, it felt nice and strong, Just like Raphael…

I quickly shook my head in hopes of getting rid of the thoughts and started to make my way back to the battle shell, but stopped just as I was about to leave the clearing and turned around slightly.

A thought of staying here crossed my mind again, it was alluring to say the least. I’d be able to live in the sun without anyone noticing, I would have no responsibilities what so ever and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything but myself.

On the other side, I love my family and after all the effort they have put into our friendship, especially in the last few months, it just proves that I’d never be able to leave them behind. I’ve really enjoyed spending time with them, I haven’t even cared if they’d cut into my meditation lately and I’ve loved spending time with Raphael. 

I smiled fondly at the newer memories and was going to turn around until something slammed into me from behind and knocked me off my feet. 

Shock ran through me as a pair of arms wrapped themselves tightly around my waist from behind, pinning my arms uselessly against my sides. 

Leaving me helpless as I toppled over and tumbled to the ground.


	2. My attacker

There was nothing but fear running through my mind as I felt another body collide against mine, my internal shock and the sheer force of it easily knocked me off my balance and I cursed myself over and over for not paying enough attention to my surroundings.

Before I knew it, two strong arms had wrapped around my waist, capturing me in a vice like grip with my arms uselessly tapped against my sides. 

There was no way I would be able to keep myself from hitting the ground face first and I squeezed my eyes shut in preparation, but it didn’t happen. The body that had collided with mine had twisted itself in the jump so we would turn mid air and my captor would be the one to land on its back, instead of toppling us over. 

However, that also meant the fall could not completely stop our movement and we ended up rolling out of the clearing and back under the tree I had been sitting under, only to stop when the other slammed against the tree. 

The rolling had made my head spin and it took me a while to realise I was on my side, back pressed against my capturer and stuck in a grip I wasn’t sure I could get out off. I was about to struggle, kick or even bite to try and get out of the hold until a grunt escaped the one behind me.

It was a sound I would never be able to forget, one I’ve heard over a million times already and the sent that had suddenly hit me with full force could only belong to-!

“Raph?-” Looking down at the not only strong and muscled, but _green_ arms squeezing against my waist, I signed in relief as I noticed that it really was my brother. I let out the breath I hadn’t known I was holding and allowed myself to relax in my brother’s grip, but that was short lived as many nagging questions ran through my mind.

Why was he here? How did he find me? How did he get here? How did I not sense him? Had he gone out looking for me? Is this why he hadn’t called like Mike and Don?

I was about to open my mouth to ask them, but froze as he nuzzled his head into my shoulder and a deep shaky breath escaped him as his arms tightened its grip for a split second before loosening up when I grunted in discomfort. I’ve never seen Raph act this way, it’s as if he’s looking for some kind of… comfort? Reassurance? Whatever it was, I hope he found it.

“Shh.” It had come out softly, no more than a whisper, but the last thing I needed was silence right now. I was too confused not to look for answers. Why was Raph here? And how did he get here without anyone spotting him?! Or more importantly! Without _me_ noticing!! He’s never been able to sneak up on me! And on another note, why does he seem so upset?! And on another note, why was he squeezing the life out of me?!

“How did you-?” I didn’t get the chance to finish it as he cut me off quickly, giving me no chance to speak what so ever.

“Shh!” It wasn’t as soft as before, but is wasn’t much more than a whisper either. What is he trying to do? He can’t just jump me and expect me not to ask anything! He should have known that.

His hold tightened slightly and I swear he is going to break me in half if he puts more pressure into it, but for some reason, I couldn’t tell him to loosen up or let go either. He was defiantly freaked out about something and if there is one thing Raphael rarely does, it’s hugging. Well this is more of a death grip, but you get the idea. 

Though, as I said before, I needed answers and I need them now. I am not going to force him to let go, but he is damn well going to talk.

“Raph, What-?” I didn’t get the chance to ask my question as he shushed me again, but I was willing to keep trying. I was a patient turtle, though this situation is seriously putting that to the test! I had opened my mouth to try again, with no luck…

“SHH!” This time it had been a little harsh and I winched at the not so gentle sound so close to my ear slit. He had tightened his hold again and this time I swear he was cutting off the blood flow in my arms, if not squeezing them _through_ the sides of my shell! Not good…

I waited a minute for him to ease up like he had done before, but it didn’t look like he was going to in the near future. However he did seem to tense up every few seconds. I don’t know what he was thinking about, but I’m pretty sure the thoughts weren’t any good. 

Why won’t he talk? Does he expect me to just lie here, while his thoughts are slowly killing him inside? But he was intent on me keeping quiet, so I complied and kept quiet for a couple more minutes, with no luck it seems. 

My arms are starting to go numb…

Okay that’s it, I need to get out of this grip now! Before I get the life squeezed out of me or his thoughts make him go mental. Damn it! I have to do something, and quick!!

“Let go!” I had said it in my best Leader voice, the one he usually seems to listen too, but he didn’t budge, not one inch! Didn’t even seem like he was paying attention to it! He just flinched again.

“Leo, be quiet.” His forehead nestled itself further into my neck. And I felt my eyebrow twitch at the unusually calm instruction. How does he sound so calm while his thoughts are tearing him apart? 

Good thing I am way better at giving orders than I am at taking them, because there is no way I am going to listen to him right now. 

“Raphael, let me go!” I followed it with a light struggle, hoping he would snap out of it, get the hint and let go on his own before I had to go to put an actual effort into it.

“No can do, Leo.” Okay, that calm demeanour of his is seriously starting to piss me off. Time to get outta this death grip!

“Oh for the-!” The last of my sentence was lost as I pushed against him with all the energy I could find, pushing against his arms in hopes of loosening his grip enough to break free, but Raph was persistent to hold on and I found myself having more than a little trouble to get out.

His endless weightlifting has always given him an advantage over me strength wise and it certainly showed. I know he had to put a lot of effort into not losing his grip, but there was no way I could fight against his muscles this way, but I wasn’t about to-.

“Shut it fearless! Just let me…” I froze… he sounded so desperate, so frustrated. I’ve never seen this side of him before and it shocked me. Did my 8 hour absence really do this?! It wasn’t even that long! Or, could this be because of my episode three months ago?

“Just let me hold ya fer a minute!” And I did, I stopped struggling all together. Giving into the incredibly sad tone of voice and my eyes popped open wide as small trails of hot water fell against my rain soaked shoulder… This was a side, I’ve never seen from my tough brother Raphael and the thought of me causing it scared me. Why was he _this_ shaken up? I thought he’d hit me if I’d angered or upset him, not… Not this…

We laid there for what felt like ages, my frozen and shell shocked form captured by Raphael’s crying one. It wasn’t until his tears had stopped and he had been able to calm himself down, that he tried to talk.

“I thought ya were gonna leave us.” He mumbled it against my neck and I couldn’t help but shiver. It was an odd feeling, but I had to force the thought away and focus on what my brother was saying.

“Mike an Don said ya weren’t pickin up yer cell, an I got worried.” His grip slowly eased up a little as he admitted it and I couldn’t help but feel guilty. It wasn’t like me to not pick up my phone, I’d even pick it up if I was sleeping, not to mention the fact that I had scared all my brothers with something so simple as that, but… even if the thought had crossed my mind, I already knew I’d never follow through with staying here. 

“I wasn’t going to leave Raph, just needed a little time for myself.” On instinct, I pushed my head backwards so I could press the side of my face against his as a little sign of comfort. “I hadn’t even heard my cell go off.” Which had been the truth, outside of the very last time it had gone off with me just staring at it like an idiot. I should have picked it up, like I was supposed to. Though Raph had already been on his way here so that wouldn’t work for him, but Don and Mike would’ve been glad to hear from me.

“You can’t leave us Leo, we need you.” His arms had left its lock around my waist and instead tightened themselves around my shoulders, they were shaking and I couldn’t help but notice one of his hands resting flat against my chest, right above my heart. Was he… looking for a heartbeat? We can’t hear it through our plastron, but still.

“I wasn’t. Was already on my way back to the battle shell when you jumped me.” I moved one of my now freed hands to cover his above my heart, while I tried to find his cheek with the other. Placing the palm flat against the smooth surface and softly moving my thumb across the skin under his eye in a soothing motion. 

He seemed to freeze up for a moment, before he seemed to calm down and relax slightly. He spread the fingers of the hand on my chest enough for my fingers to fall in between his before capturing them in a lose grip. It seemed to help him ease up, maybe I am doing this comporting thing right? 

How is it that I’ve never felt the need to comfort any of my other brothers like this? I mean what am I doing?! I’ve never done anything like this! Don and mike are the ones that don’t mind comforting others physically, I don’t, I _talk_ to try and lift their spirits not give them a hug! Oh please don’t tell me it’s because I like him! 

“Good! Cuz I swear I woulda dragged yer sorry ass back home by force!” We both laughed at that and I could feel the tension in the air ease up a little and he leaned his head slightly against mine. Okay... Maybe it’s just a fluke? I mean Raph started this by immobilising me. We could just be following our instincts, it doesn’t mean there is something between us. He just needs reassurance and seeing as I am the one that caused this state of mind it is only naturally that it is me to help him get out of it. 

I can’t say I didn’t need it either… I did think he hadn’t cared after all… maybe I needed this as much as he did, it does explain why I leaned into him first…

Neither one of us moved for a while after that, content to stay right here for a while to enjoy each other’s comfort, but the nagging feeling at the back of my mind demanded answers again. Ones I desperately needed. Why did he come all the way here? And how did he find me?!

“How did you find me?” Oh… I said that one out loud… And I had gotten a laugh from him, as if I should have known that… Well at least I got him to laugh again…

“Battle shell has a tracker remember? An so does yer cell.” I blinked… they did? No one told me that…

“I… Don’t think anyone mentioned that before…” He had stopped laughing as I said it, guess he really thought I knew about it.

“‘M sorry, Leo.” The apology actually shocked me, but I had a feeling he wasn’t saying it because of the trackers. So what was it for then? 

“For what?” He hesitated as he tried to find the right words and I had no problem giving him all the time he needed. I just hoped he would be able to talk to me about what’s going on with him, what he’s been thinking.

“Everything… We shoulda seen this comin fearless, but we didn’t! Ya shoulda complained earlier, we never even knew we’ve been pushin ya this far.” I let out a small chuckle. As if I’d ever complain, that’s not like me. I’d rather just endure it than bother anyone else with my problems, but they all knew that and I guess that makes it harder to understand me… I might have to try and open up more, let them know what’s bothering me. Or at least talk to _one_ of them… If only it was that easy. Years of practise and habit is not forgotten easy.

“That’s okay, we all know I don’t know how to complain.” We laughed again and I let myself find comfort in the heat coming off him even though the rain had worked hard to cool the both of us off. My body was shaking slightly from Raph’s laughter and I couldn’t be happier. I felt safe here within his arms.

“Wish ya did though.” I nodded against his head in agreement and a content silence settled over us once more. I vaguely felt his hand on my shoulder move its thumb back and forth in the same rhythm mine was still moving against his cheek, helping me further relax into my brother’s grip.

“When did you leave the lair?” It had been a question that I had been curious about. I had been out for 8 hours and it had taken me a little over 7 hours to even get here, so I wondered if he had followed me right away, but that would also mean he didn’t trust me going out by myself. Though Mike and Don did call me a lot, they told him, which had resulted in Raph coming after me.

“Two hours after ya left.” Two hours?! That means he raced here in 6 hours! Have I been driving that slowly or-.

“You took your bike didn’t you?” I could literally feel his grin against my shoulder as well as the way he puffed his chest in pride against my shell. The other vehicles can’t go _that_ fast! It’s a wonder he didn’t hit something on his way here! Damn, stupid irresponsible speed devil!!

“Yep” I tried to hit him against his shins with my feet, but in my position it was rather hard to really hit him and it ended up only making him laugh more. Guess that was sort of a good thing, so I let it pass.

It had taken me a few minutes to think of what I really needed to ask him and that gave him enough time to calm his laughter once more. And I waited until he had completely stopped laughing once I knew what I wanted to asked before I dared to voice it. I couldn’t have him start laughing again, I needed a serious answer. 

“Why?” The question had so many meanings, all of which I hoped he could understand and answer at the same time.

“Cuz I saw tha tracker wasn’t in tha city anymore. Thought ya were seriously leavin an I had ta find ya before I’d lose ya, so I took ma bike an went after ya. Went a little faster than I was supposed ta though.” I blinked, well that was surely honest. He really was afraid I would leave them…

“I’m sorry.” It was sincere, but he dismissed it as he shook his head against my neck.

Wait… He’s been on his bike for 6 hours! What if someone saw him!

“No one saw you did they?” He shook his head against my shoulder again before answering my question.

“No, it was still dark an I was outta tha city in no time. Kept to tha back roads too.” Thank god! That saves me a heart attack!

But still, why go through all the trouble to come after me? I would have come home eventually…

“I just… Still… don’t understand why…” His brow fell into a frown against my shoulder, before he lifted his head a little to try and look at my face. Not that he could really see me form that angle…

“Huh?” 

“Why go through all this trouble? I would never leave you all behind, that’s not how I am. You could have waited till I-” The hand on my chest pulled my hand up with his and slammed the both of them against my mouth, silencing me mid-sentence. 

“No! Not after-” He signed deeply, fidgeting behind me, looking for the right words. “After that fiasco in tha dojo three months ago, we’d all been so scared ya would give up on us. We really did our best ta fix it, but we were still afraid ya’d leave after all…” The arm still wrapped around me tightened his grip immensely and he pressed his forehead harshly into my neck, he was trying to say something else, something he needed to get off his chest and I tried to brace myself for whatever it could be… however…

“I can’t lose you Leo! I love you!!” 

…

I just never expected it to be that…

…

He loves me? 

I’m not the only one with these feelings?

My heart leaped in my chest and I could feel the both of us freeze up. Raphael probably hadn’t realised what he wanted to say and blurted it out before he could stop it and for once, I was grateful.

He held his breath before he jumped into action and pushed me away so he could scramble to his feet. He took a couple large steps backwards, looking at me with wide and terrified eyes, before turning around to try and make a run for it. 

Thankfully, I managed shoot up from the ground and grab his wrist before he could bolt off towards his bike. 

“W-What did you just say?” I’m pretty sure his panic blocked out the hopeful tone in my voice, but the words themselves did seem to register and he flinched.

“Nothing!” He harshly pulled at the hand in my grip, desperately trying to free himself so he could flee, but I only tightened my grip to make sure he wouldn’t get that chance. His panic seemed to make him forget how easily he could break my grip, which was good, I can’t have him leaving now off all times.

“Raph-” I was going to tell him to calm down, but his panicked yell caught me off guard. Is he this afraid of my reaction? It’s as if his mind is telling him I’ll hate him for his feelings, that I would hurt him for having them. Though, I am not one to talk, I’ve had the same fears. 

“I didn’t mean it I swear! Just ferget I even said it!” Damn it! He is going to give himself a panic attack if he keeps this up. I have to calm him down, And fast! But I have to be careful or I might make it even worse! 

I harshly pulled against his hand and threw him against the large tree and quickly grabbed the sides of his face so I could press our lips together in a harsh kiss. It was the only way I could think of to show him his feelings are returned, especially now that he isn’t able to really comprehend what I am trying to say.

His hands immediately grabbed my elbows before his whole body went rigid in my grip, not being able to comprehend what was happening. Not the reaction I was hoping for, but at least he isn’t trying to run away anymore… now I can figure out my next move.

I slowly released his lips as I felt his heartbeat slow down slightly, but he still wasn’t responding. It was like he had locked himself up in his own world. His eyes were forced shut tightly and his bottom lip was slightly trembling. 

Pressing my forehead to his, staring at his closed eyes as I called out his name, softly telling him to open his eyes, but it didn’t seem like he was hearing me so I pulled one of my hands from his face before lightly hitting his cheek.

It seemed to be doing the trick as his eyes slammed open and I immediately trapped them with my own. They were unfocused, but when they finally did manage to focus, I made sure they were on me and I could easily see the confusion and surprised flooding through them. 

His knees started giving out and I slowly slid the both of us down to the ground, making sure my hands kept his forehead against mine so we wouldn’t break our eye contact. Hoping they were calm enough to help him understand that I was right there and wasn’t going anywhere soon.

I let myself fall in between his raised knees and eventually he seemed to wake up enough to understand what was happening, but didn’t break eye contact as his eyes grew a little wider and a blush seemed to form underneath my hands. 

“L-Leo?” I gave him a small reassuring smile, leaning forward to kiss him lightly. He sat completely still, unsure what I was trying to do and I was fine with that. I had something to tell him and I can’t do that with him running away. 

“Thank you for tracking me down and coming here, Raphie.” He smiled in relief and l rubbed the sides of his face before leaning back in, leaving no more than an inch between our lips. Grinning before them as I heard his breath hitch. 

“And thank you for loving me the same way I love you.” With that I was going to press forward again but he pulled his head out of my grip, slamming it against the tree behind him in his haste and I chuckled at his happily surprised expression.

“Wait? What?! Y-Ya mean ya feel tha same way?!” I couldn’t give him more than a smirk before he pulled me down to lock our lips once more, but he pulled away quickly with a look akin to anguish. His hands pressed against my plastron, pushing me backwards. “This is outta pity aint it? Ya feel sorry fer nearly leavin us an now yer just tryin ta make up fer it.”

I couldn’t help the rough growl that escaped me as I grabbed his wrists and slammed them against the tree above his head, using his temporary shock to lock the both of them in one of my hands before he even realised it happened.

“Do you really think I would kiss you just for _pity?!_ ” I can’t believe he thinks I would do something like that! Even if I did pity him, I wouldn’t kiss him just to make him feel better! That would have been so dishonourable! Not to mention just plain awful. “I really was going home just now, Raphael! I have nothing to feel sorry for and I’ve been wanting to do this for two months now.”

“Two Months?! I’ve been wantin ya ta kiss me fer a _year_!” My eyes widened, a year? We have been fighting an bickering with each other for years now, how is that even possible?! I didn’t even know of my feelings until we _stopped_ fighting! 

“A year?! Are you _kidding_ me?! How have you been wanting this for a year?! We have done nothing but fight since I became leader and now you are telling me you’ve loved me for a year?!”

Raph turned his head to the side and stubbornly refused to look back after I had called his name, so I forcefully grabbed his chin to turn his face back me. If he has been in love with me for a year then he has been keeping me in the dark about something and I want to know what, right now!

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” His eyes were darting everywhere but where I needed them and he absently tugged against my hands. He was fidgeting in my hold, but I could feel his resolves cracking under my gaze.

“Because I couldn’t! I didn’t think ya would feel tha same and I wanted ta keep whatever we did have instead a losin ya all the way! So I tried ta act tha same I’ve always had an went out with casey ta blow off steam or drink tha whole night, I told em about it once an he thought I might help! It kinda did… but then I would get home only fer ya ta be the first thing I see when I come in. I woulda asked Don or Mike, but ya were the only one that could help me vent enough so I could sleep! They are too easy to take down, it wouldn’t have helped.”

Now that he mentioned it… He has been acting a little different for a while now, hardly noticeable, but it did change. He’s been throwing glances towards me at training and patrol, other times too I think. The fights weren’t as bad as they used to be, just different and for other reasons as I was used to…

Back to the task at hand…

“You took advice from Casey? He doesn’t even know how to keep April happy!” Which was true, he managed to piss April off on a daily basis, always doing something to earn him a slap to the head.

“I know… I was desperate…” Can’t argue there! I mean even Mike would have given better advice than Casey would! No, that’s mean, Mike is a lot smarter than we give him credit for.

“You should have just come clean right away or at least ease up around me, it felt like you were mad at me for everything I did!” I signed deeply, this whole thing is frustrating me. How was fighting everyday supposed to help you when you’re in love with that person? … Turtle… I wonder what he will do now. He drinks because he needs to forget and he fights me to keep his feelings at bay so… “Are you going to stop acting out and drinking so much now that I do know?”

His ember eyes widened again, flickering towards me before moving away again. His thoughts were racing a mile a minute, before a small blush started to form. 

“I-I dunno… It d-depends…” His eyes glanced at me shyly and his hands twitched in my grip, a silent reminder of how he wasn’t able to use them. 

“Hmm? On what?” I cupped the side of his face once more lifting his head a little so I could look at his beautiful features and couldn’t help but see his bottom lip trembling ever so slightly. 

“O-On what h-happens now… I t-think…” I leaned in ever so slightly, blocking his vision even more and I could see he had trouble looking away now.

“Oh really? What would you like to happen now?” I couldn’t stop the smirk as his eyes fixed themselves on my lips, a silent answer to my question as well as a plea for me to close the gap between us and claim his lips again.

He groaned as I finally gave in and kissed him, he eagerly pressed towards me, lips parting as an invitation. An invitation I eagerly took and opened my own to press my tongue against his, trapping him in a battle for dominance, a battle he had no chance of winning. At least not today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK so I've been thinking about making a third chapter, but i am not entirely sure. i might or i might just leave it at this


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